


I never said you were

by JessLovesBooks



Series: Can I have my pen back? [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Mentioned Hank Anderson, Minor Angst, Minor mentions of wireplay, Supportive Gavin, Supportive Nines, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 13:27:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17265026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessLovesBooks/pseuds/JessLovesBooks
Summary: Nines knows that he makes so many mistakes but it doesn't matter as long as he's allowed to be with Gavin.Or the one where Nines and Gavin stumble along and try their best.





	I never said you were

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to my other fic 'Can I have my pen back'  
> But you don't have to read that one necessarily though it may help I think to understand some of the references in here and give a bit of an insight into Gavin's head.
> 
> I wasn't going to write this as I'm not a massive fan of looking at one persons mental health through somebody else's eyes but I feel like this works well with my other fic and doesn't use Gavin as a prop for Nines so I hope nobody minds.
> 
> Gavin and Nines are heavily reliant on each other which isn't very healthy but I'm being madly lenient because I feel like if theres a time that you can its with a super advanced android :)
> 
> A warning like last time that I'm not amazing at tagging so I may not have covered something that could be triggering to read <3

They’d both come an agreement that each day would be judged as it came along, overall Gavin maintained a positive attitude, or at the very least the appearance of one, he’d be happy to talk to Nines, be the overtly affectionate man he was whenever they were alone. They’d jokingly named these the Good days, the days where Gavin felt in control of himself, would sing off tune to songs on the radio, sit on his kitchen counter laughing at Nines’ attempts to cook, legs swinging so Nines would have to dart around them as he tried to salvage his creations.

Today was decidedly not a Good day.

Really Nines was the one who'd made an incompetent error, pushed that smallest bit too far until Gavin had retreated away from him, disappearing into the bedroom before Nines could rectify his mistake.

The case they’d just wrapped up had taken a sharp turn for the worse at the very end, two of the witnesses murdered when they'd promised them protection, Nines had already seen Gavin shrinking inwards, his processors sprinting ahead of himself to try and prevent the preconstruction that had shown this very scenario as the most likely.

They’d arrived home far later than anticipated, both of them drained from the unsettling turn of events, exhausted in the knowledge that they’d have to be up early in the morning, Gavin wanted to push on with the paperwork now, get a head start on the _'clusterfuck'_ they'd be facing at work. Nines wanted to help, and failed miserably.

All because he foolishly stated that Gavin should rest, mechanically stated that the chemical imbalance in his brain would make such a trying time more difficult, Nines could finish the documentation the next day if Gavin wished to recuperate.

The clinical response had felt wrong even as he was saying the words, the world seeming to stop momentarily as it so often did whenever a situation occurred where his system couldn’t cope with the input it received and needed additional time to formulate his next step.

It still hadn’t been enough to give him a golden path that he could use to alleviate the damage he’d caused by such despicable words. He’d watched in mute horror as Gavin froze, stark white knuckles jutting out as he’d clenched his fists and shook with the betrayal and pain that shone from his countenance. Gavin swore, trembling as he’d stormed away from Nines and slammed the bedroom door shut in his face.

Nines allocated himself a spot in the hallway, waiting, stress levels rising at his incompetency.

**Support never judge. Never make Gavin feel less because of something he can’t help.**

The words were a mantra at this point and he’d _**failed**_ them. He’d felt enraged at the injustice of it, that Nines had progressed so far but the clinical analysis he automatically ran at all times hadn’t been filtered as he’d processed Gavin like a line of code that needed fixing.

**Gavin doesn’t need fixing!**

Gavin didn’t come out, the hours bleeding into one another, Nines had settled himself into a seated position on the wooden floorboards and furiously deconstructed and catalogued his errors. Bought out of the delusional simulation he was running where he hadn’t been a fool by the shuffling of feet and a door swinging open.

Sweatpants appeared in front of him, shifting weight from one leg to another nervously and as Nines had been about to look up Gavin gracefully dropped into a crouch and climbed into his lap, Nines allowed himself to be rearranged around until his larger frame engulfed the humans. When Gavin’s face pressed into his neck, fingers clutching desperately around the fabric of his shirt, Nines couldn’t stop the minute shudder that travelled over his chassis.

_Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry._

Nines wasn’t sure which one of them was speaking, may have been both of them, he didn’t care, not when he was being allowed to comfort Gavin, to run his hands over his back and Gavin’s words shifted into another kind of mantra.

_It’s okay. We’re okay._

Not when he could still say that he was Gavin’s.

 

* * *

 

Their mornings had been rehearsed and narrowed to a satisfying routine, the Good days were run perfectly at this point. The not so Good ones varied so wildly that Nines would adjust his usual practise until some form of it would fit into Gavin’s day, even if it took the whole duration of the said day.

Nines would leave stasis long before Gavin’s alarm was due and then spend the time watching his humans features whilst he remained in deep sleep. Gavin looked years younger when he slept, the frown lines erased and apart from the occasional nose twitch he never moved from his position tucked against Nines' side. Nines could understand how Officer Chen had described him as having a boyish charm when they were younger.

If he were lucky Gavin would sleep through until the last minutes leading to his alarm, Nines preferred to wake him up with his own method, gentle touches that had taken months of practice until Gavin finally accepted that Nines genuinely delighted in feel of his skin invigorating the interface pads in his fingers. Took pleasure when Gavin would rouse slowly, instinctively pressing closer to Nines’ body, all of the whispered pleas for five minutes more. His acquiescence every single time because they’d both established by now that Nines couldn’t deny his human anything. Not one single thing.

The mild warnings that Nines would happily carry Gavin out of bed were normally enough to rouse him, Gavin sometimes in a playful enough mood dared him to do it. The infantile behaviour Nines felt they both enjoyed taking part in when he’d accepted the challenge and lifted him up, carrying the chuckling detective through to the bathroom.

He’d spend his time attempting to create Gavin’s breakfast whilst he showered, feeding the cats in between, by now Nines felt that he’d mastered the basics. Had listened very seriously every single time Gavin had insisted that porridge wasn’t supposed to be black or brown, but toast apparently was, but only a certain shade of brown. Resisted every single time the juvenile action of rolling his eyes over the ridiculous nature of it all. Leaned heavily on the one dish that he’d learnt as Gavin’s favourite, the grilled cheese plated every single morning in time for Gavin to stumble, still yawning, into the kitchen.

The time it would take for him to change into his uniform would coincide perfectly with Gavin finishing up, for the regular bickering as Gavin insisted on his morning caffeine, the stimulation of arguing waking him up more than the coffee itself. The scenario always ended with Gavin clasping his mug with a shit eating grin as he took exaggeratedly large slurping gulps and Nines would ruminate jokingly about his choices in companionship.

They’d both sober up when it came to Gavin’s medication, as much as Nines tried to make the process as stress free as he could, there was some things that couldn’t be lightened. Gavin silently popped out the mood stabilisers, the anti-depressives and the assortment of other tablets, would get that glazed over expression in his eyes as he’d swallow them. Normally they'd both stand there for several minutes until Gavin would turn towards Nines and quietly mumble about his ‘reward’, fidgeting self consciously and it'd take all of Nines’ self control not to pull Gavin into his arms and crush him in a bruising hug.

It nearly always ended up with Gavin perched on the kitchen counter, legs wrapped around his hips and their lips pressed together, Nines savouring the analysis as he’d lick into Gavin’s mouth. The sensory overload when Gavin would drag his fingers from their favourite place in his hair down over the back of his neck and teasingly toy over the panel at the nape of his neck.

When they had time Gavin would send him spiralling into a soft reboot with nothing more than those greedy fingers gliding over his wires, the distinctive whorl of Gavin’s fingerprints scraping over one of his main cables, squeezing just right so that his vision stuttered out and static filled whines poured out of him shamelessly.

Would restart to the sight of his own reward, Gavin’s hungry eyes and still wandering touch.

He’d learnt very quickly to wake Gavin up a _lot_ earlier than his alarm.

 

* * *

 

Gavin’s storming around the apartment with a frenzied energy, growling about everything that’s wrong, how Nines is wrong.

“Why are you still fucking here?”

“What the hell is wrong with _you_!”

Nines go to words aren’t working tonight.

**I want to be with you. I don’t want you to be alone.**

Gavin’s furious at him then, words to spite and maim spewing out. Words made to drive him away, the opposite to what effect their actually having.

“Why the fuck would you do that?!”

Nines wouldn’t ever apologise for his actions, his frustration at the situation making him say as much.

His preconstruction failed to predict Gavin freezing then.

The horrified look bleaching his face of any colour.

The tears swelling and running down his cheeks.

The staggering steps forwards before Nines closed the gap and Gavin collapsed against him, sobbed into his chest, not caring about the thirium that smeared across his skin at the contact.

Errors flooded Nines system as he’d tried to reassure, to futilely find the words that would heal the pain he’d caused.

“Don’t ever do that again! Swear you won’t”

“I’m sorry Gavin”

Because he couldn't make that promise, the terror that tore through his system, every wire and biocomponant as he’d seen the scenario play out, the sliver of a survival rate if Gavin had been hit.

The path in front of the bullet was a simple one, easy as the artificial breathing that he simulated. The superficial damage only seemed worse by the exaggerated spray of thirium that had arched out of his body. The alternative had been infinitely worse.

Because he couldn’t survive without Gavin, the preconstruction of his self destruction if Gavin had died was a certainty that he could be assured of.

**I want to be with you. I don’t want to be alone.**

 

* * *

 

It’s not unusual for an artificial virus to travel around the android population, normally it was a minor prank by bored hackers, New Jericho had managed to limit the severity but similar to a common cold, not everything could be kept out.

Nines’ anti-virus software was the most advanced ever created, as such he could function perfectly whenever a new bug made the rounds. This one was simply a particularly nasty little bastard, one that after a full diagnosis he’d concluded that it'd take a full system reboot to eradicate all traces of the vile coding. Really he should consider himself fortunate, Connor had spent the better part of a week away from work, as expected the Lieutenant found himself miraculously coming down with an obscure illness.

The idea had been to use his weekend off to enact the reboot, giving himself plenty of time to spare in case of any eventualities. Nines had spoken with Gavin about his plan but not about the trepidation that he’d felt, the fear of the reboot messing with his systems, the infinitesimal chance that it could allow his original coding an opening to reinsert itself.

It seemed such an unnecessary worry to add to the detectives shoulders.

There shouldn’t be an issue, he’d entered multiple soft reboots before, deep stasis, taken long diagnostics. But something about this made Nines hesitate, fragmented memories of forced resets and technicians twisting away at the base code. He knew logically that he wouldn’t ever be held by Cyberlife again, never tinkered with like a toy… But he still felt reticent… afraid.

Gavin had most definitely earned his detectives license, or he knew Nines so intimately by this point, because it hadn’t taken more than a look at him for his human to know what the problem was.

Gavin guided him towards their bedroom, ignoring the cats pawing at their legs for attention and gently pushed at Nines shoulder to make him sit. He’d perched awkwardly at the edge, slightly bemused as he’d watched the human grab at random objects, his phone, a book he was currently reading, a beaker of water, bags of unappetising sugar laden food which he studiously ignored Nines’ chastisement of the empty calories.

Gavin surfaced from the bathroom in his favourite sweatpants and a shirt, that might have once been black but now no more than a bobbled grey, and threw himself onto the bed. Somehow they ended up with Nines’ head resting on top of Gavin’s thighs, hands pressing with the firmness that he liked along the line of his shoulders, their bedding scrunched up in a mess, strangely comforting as the scent of Gavin surrounded him.

“You are aware that this isn’t necessary?”

“Shut the fuck up Tincan.” Gavin’s face peering down with one of those grins that flashed teeth halted Nines’ reply. “You know I’m gonna draw stupid shit on you and take a fuck ton of photos right?”

Instead of replying to the empty threat Nines reached up with one hand to pull the detectives face down and raised himself up his elbow, pressed their lips together, savoured the soft sounds that Gavin made and the feel of stubble beneath Nines fingers as he traced along his jawline. He would have been happy to continue until a frustrating niggle in his system froze his limbs as the virus flared up at the over-stimulation of the analysis he’d been in the process of taking from the soft skin of Gavin’s neck.

“Stop distracting me and lie the fuck down.”

A static distorted snort escaped him at the ragged breathing from the flushed human as Nines obeyed, resting as Gavin went back to fussing over him, piling the blankets over his body. Adoration and fondness rose within his processors as he’d slowly come to the realisation of what Gavin was doing.

His own den to feel safe within.

He tried to raise a hand up to push back the detectives dishevelled hair as it fell across his face, wished he could emulate his predecessors infamous pout when Gavin knocked his hand aside.

“Stop messing around.” Then as if Gavin was linked with him, could feel the resurgence of panic slipping through the wires under his chassis, he’d shuffled a little before tilting himself forward, arms braced on Nines’ chest so that his vision was entirely filled only by the wonderful image of his human.

“I won’t go anywhere, promise.”

Gavin never broke his word, not to him.

Nines finalised the protocol for his reboot, one of his last thoughts was that there was no way Gavin would be able to remain in this position, but Nines would take it for as long as he was able. Initialised the reboot and focused on the feather light strokes over his LED to still the nervous hum as he shut down.

Coming out of the reboot was a far different beast than awakening from his usual stasis, all of his systems scanning and delivering lines of data, searching and failing to find any trace of the virus in his software, he’d swiped the alerts clear of his HUD as black and white vision reverted to colour and he could take in his surroundings. His body needing time to function as everything slowly booted up.

His head was still propped over Gavin’s lap and there was a delightful sensation where his humans fingers danced over his scalp, free hand placed over the housing for his thirium pump regulator. Gavin dozed, half asleep hunched over him, Nines' internal clock registered that it had taken precisely 11 hours and 42 minutes to complete the reboot.

Just like he’d promised Gavin hadn’t moved.

Nines chastised himself that he’d forgotten just how much he relied on Gavin’s comfort, more than how the detective needed his.

He waited patiently until grey eyes blinked sleepily at him, the fingers in Nines' hair moving as they reached up and swiped across the his face. Gavin’s lopsidedly smiled when he spoke, voice scratchy. “How’d you feel?”

“All of my systems are functioning at optimal capacity. Thanks to you.”

As to be expected when faced with any praise Gavin’s face flushed a furious shade of red. “Fuck off, I didn’t do anything.”

And as always Nines couldn’t restrict the truthfulness of his answer. “You make me feel safe.”

If he’d thought that Gavin was blushing before the endearing look his human gave him now made his thirium pump stutter. He allowed a moment for Gavin to mutter and dismiss his words as was custom before surging forward, grateful that his limbs operated correctly as he pulled the man into his arms, satisfied at the startled yelp Gavin made as Nines settled himself against the headboard of the bed with Gavin seated in his lap.

It didn’t pass his notice that they’d made a habit of this, but it was one that Nines was happy to continue.

Especially as Gavin wriggled to get comfortable and sighed dramatically into his chest. “Give a guy a warning tincan.”

Nines doubted when he apologised as mockingly as he was able, that he'd ever lose the joy he took in these moments.

Even when Gavin whined playfully throughout the rest of the day that his neck hurt, back ached and nothing, absolutely nothing but an android massaging the sores would ease the __‘_ agony _’__  he was suffering from.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Have I upset you Nines?”_

Connor meant well, Nines truly believed that he did. But how did he explain that Gavin, to use the cliché, was the centre of his universe. Without his human there was very little that Nines felt would bring his existence worth, he’d known it with a certainty that nothing else had ever bought him.

That he’d pulled away because he needed to put Gavin’s needs above his own.

He’d warned Gavin that there may be an impression of their personal life shared when he interfaced with Connor for work purposes. It'd been one of the first conversations they'd had when they began dating, Gavin’s reticence over Connors knowledge of their lives became clearer after Nines had been with him during, to use Gavin’s term, that episode.

Nines hadn’t hesitated in withdrawing from the interfaces even when they’d been used for socialising purposes, not mentioning once the distressing loss he felt. The embarrassment and pain it could cause Gavin wasn’t worth the pleasure he took from the connection.

He was therefore shocked when he returned from the evidence locker one afternoon to find Gavin gone from their desk, he'd turned to ask Connor but found the android also missing. Hank had seized the opportunity to sneak in a large coffee, hunched around the beverage as Nines approached him.

The Lieutenant gruffly explained how Gavin had dragged Connor away to _talk,_ refused to tell Hank what he wanted… had the nerve to tell him to fuck off when he’d questioned.

Nines ignored the light hearted threats to Gavin’s being if he hurt Connor, took a moment to point out that really his predecessor would be the one most likely to cause harm, the older man smirked gleefully at the idea.

He had been a little worried before the pair finally returned to the bullpen, Gavin slumping into his chair and propping his feet onto his desk. Before Nines could speak he’d been very much distracted by Connor practically bouncing around to his desk and holding an arm out, synthetic skin retracted.

A glance towards Gavin gave him nothing more than a quick nod. Nines took the offer, startled at the flood of data that overwhelmed him, the feeling of Connors dismay over their withdrawal from one another and the unbridled joy that followed after, the gratitude towards Detective Reed almost ludicrous in its abnormality.

When the connection ended and Connor had returned to his own desk Nines was finally able to ask what was the cause for such a bizarre transfer. He listened in awe as Gavin quietly muttered about how he’d told the android why Nines hadn’t reciprocated Connors attempts to link, though he glazed over the finer details of what Connor may find, how Gavin had asked the android to keep his mouth shut.

“He said I could shoot him if he said anything… I reckon it might be worth it just for that.”

Nines ignored Gavin’s snickering. “Why would you do such a thing? I’ve been working on a way to transmit data remotely.”

“Because you needed it.” Gavin’s tone turned serious even when his grey eyes held that tender gaze that the man adamantly liked to deny existed. “Don’t say you weren’t fucking miserable.”

There wasn’t anything in Nines software that could respond to that other than… “I really do love you.”

He hadn’t been able to resist the crackled laugh of his vocal unit at Gavin’s flushed face, middle finger raised and swearing about fucking androids as he’d comically tried to glare at his terminal.

He also hadn’t resisted the awkward twitching in his cheeks as he tried to smile when an hour later he heard the quietest.

“Love you too.”

 

* * *

 

It was an uncanny parallel to the first time they’d been in this position, Gavin’s timorous behaviour starkly contrasting to his usual overcompensated brashness. The momentary disappearance into their Captains office and then hurrying out, head ducked as he snatched his jacket and fled the bullpen.

The difference this time was Gavin took Nines with him, entrusted that he could be there during his most vulnerable time.

Nines insisted that Gavin take the comfort of their bed, promised that he wouldn’t leave him alone, would help him if he didn’t feel he had the energy to move.

Nines knew his role in this, how he needed to simply be there but it wasn’t an easy feat when the nightmares twisted Gavin so badly that he clung to Nines, loud convulsive gasps around the tears that flowed relentlessly at times.

He’d had to forcefully shut down multiple attempts of his software to initiate protocols that demanded he destroy the source of the pain, obliterate the cause of Gavin’s fingers clutching at his arms hard enough that the synthetic skin glitched.

The cruel irony that it was his loves own mind doing this infuriated him.

Really he was angry at himself, because Nines shouldn’t need to remind himself that this wasn’t about him. He simply didn’t understand how to cope with the phantom ache ringing over his chassis, the old adage that he didn’t need to be the one hurt to feel the pain.

When Gavin’s whispers turned to vicious self loathing, Nines responded the only way he knew how, with desperate vocalisations of his love.

 

* * *

 

Gavin surfaced sooner than Nines expected, he’d been occupied analysing the best time for Gavin’s medication, if the human would even take them.

“One of us stinks.”

Nines could say he now appreciated the feeling of being giddy at sound of the disgruntled mumble.

“Not to point fingers but I don’t perspire.”

“Prick”

Gavin’s reply was muffled as he’d pressed into Nines’ chest and slipped back into a slightly more restful sleep than he’d had all week.

 

* * *

 

The next afternoon Nines joyfully saved into his most private of databanks, they’d both cleaned up and Gavin swallowed down a few mouthfuls of food the deciding he wanted to watch a film and allowed Nines to carry him to the couch, though he insisted on dragging his duvet with them.

Kept with their new habit of propping himself up with Nines arms and resting with his back against the androids chest. The position delightfully allowed Nines to rest his head on the slope of Gavin’s shoulder, enjoyed the sensation of the curling hair tucked behind Gavin’s ear tickling against his cheek.

The film was an older release, something that Nines pointed out in the first few minutes as the youth on screen sat glued to an antiquated terminal, messaging another boy that he’d no clue the identity of.

Gavin sluggishly dug an elbow back into his side. “Fuck off, try being a teen in denial in a shitty town and this was first big film that you saw where people actually liked the gay lead.”

“So it’s vital that I like it.”

“Might break up with you if you don’t.”

“Then I shall focus all of my processing power on it.”

He attempted to do so for the next hour, gave up shortly after that when Gavin relaxed against him.

Nines set a prompt to search for a concise summary of the film as he disregarded it in favour of watching Gavin quietly sleeping, before gathering the man up and gently carrying him back into their bedroom, helping him to slide under the fresh sheets he’d arranged earlier.

Nines denied the pulsing alert to enter stasis in case he was needed, content that Gavin only twitched slightly, no whimpers or desperate words escaping tonight. A powerful rush of relief eased his biocomponants when Gavin had woken up sometime in the early hours, blinked a few times before soft grey eyes focused on Nines. Watched as Gavin slowly smiled up at him, fingers reaching for his and threading them together. His own mouth quirked up at the corners as Gavin’s tired whisper broke the silence in the room.

“I’m not crazy.”

“I never said you were.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading to the end, it means so very much to me <3
> 
> If there's anything that I've missed the mark on or messed up then please feel free to say so :)
> 
> Again Love does not cure mental health.


End file.
